EADEM MUTATA RESURGO

Ah, another day... the solidified self awakens out of its soup of myrriad images called dreaming. Solidified on the surface, bubbling in the depth - being is volcanic, thoughts are magma... Coherence marks the spot, no? The Ego is the coherence-vibration felt as sameness, apprehended as oneness, apprecieved as 'me-myself'. The skin-boundary of the body forms a surface that vibrates in tune with the wavepattern surrounding it. But we know better, don't we? We have been shown the incoherence of our psychological views in splendid poetic visions. Reality to us is a strange multiplicity, a meta-coglomeration made up of an (near) infinity of self-organizing organisms, stratified molecules, energetic wave-patterns and strings, paradoxical monads, forces etc. Are they one or many? Stratified, multidimensional? I do not pretend to know these things, of course. My thinking here expressed in intuitive bursts is surely inadequate and fragmentary to the point of frustration. There are so many brilliant scientists and theoreticians out there, who with clear words in successive order organizes the known for us, for our feeble minds to get drunk on. And I love strong ideas as well. But beside my love for knowledge and the adoration of the magi, I search for something more indistinct I guess, the unknown or the hidden truth behind "the weil of Maya", my conditioned ideas about the world. I do not believe in anything recieved, be it religion, philosophy or any other of the ideological constructs of the present or the past. I "believe" in my reality to the extent that it reappears every time I wake up, but it is in dire need of revaluation - and as I dream it flows out to form imaginary worlds, imaginary beings... imaginary dimensions? I am certainly naive and, hopefully, childish. I feel myself being legion just like a child. Temporality moves my consciousness along spaces of desire, of attractors - of atopoi! But coherently I am pulled together daily by strong forces surrounding me, pulled toghether or kept together by the routines, commonalities, patterns of conventions that forms the sedimented strands of the most immediate lebens-welt around me: gravity of psychogeographical exceptions not withstanding. The world is around me, but also in me. I am in the world, yet not of it. Or I am of the world, yet not in it. Anyway: I am somehow "a being" on a planet I guess, who thinks, acts, writes this blog et al.? I am the humanbeing behind the words. This I have been told by other selfstyled humanbeings who intepreted the meaning of traditions and drew conclusions of common sense as to the overaching definitions of things and no-things. The communism of ideas was born. I was born, they told me, on a sunny sunday at two pm. I consequently started growing. A Growing Structure! That is my strongest impression of Being a being: a being who grows. Evolving, I do not think I will ever stop growing. The nature around me is in a state of constant growth. Death and birth, birth and death. I was born and I will die. The wheel of karma... No escape? I am caught in growth-patterns that simulate wellbeing and pleasant sensations in my brain as cells die and neurons are born. This makes it possible for me to be a productive member of society. I look at myself and feel as if I am happy. Since I am happy I do not doubt. Because I do not doubt I accept, accept the things offered, the state of things that is. The stimulants are doing its job. If I were to cut my flesh/mind off from all the stimulants plugged into it, what would happen then? That "disconnectedness" is the true reason, the supreme reason, for meditating (zazen/vipassana). Not to highten the sense of wellbeing or mental coherence, to feel more alive - but to deprive the mind and the body or all the external connections of stimulation, which perpetuates, stimulates, the illusions of happiness and pleasant sensations at the cost of a full awareness of the whole nature of reality (as suffering?). But this is surely no entertaining practice of self-fullfillment. Short of this extreme meditation, you instead begin to form ideas about the truth of illusion, the truth of the nature of the fragmentary, a fragmentary truth. All in order not to doubt the practice and patterns of the everyday life you live which feels so good. The everyday routines are so precious that they fall outside the line of fire from the meditating animal's most lethal weapon: total self-awareness. Instead: Question everything except your everyday life. If you did your life would crumble and your pleasant ego-idea fall with it into nothingness. If you constantly are feeding yourself, quite willingly, with strong sensations (of whatever kind: thoughts, feelings, arts, entertainments, drugs, foods, physical rubbings etc) you mind gets dull. Instead of strenght and will, which would be the result of such extreme transgressions as hinted about above, you get just another hollywood-movie projected onto the screen you call "your mind". It will then get used to not feeling anything except those pleasant spectacular things beamed onto it and out of this pleasure the Ego-persona is formed as the prefered image of yourself. Thus, they implore you, never doubt... Ah, another day...